As seen on TV: Six sizzling tips for hotter STD-swapping

IT’S THE WEEKEND! TIME TO ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOW PUKE AS WE CRY-LAUGH!

We’ve all been there: you’re an empty, desperate person who smiles to keep from sighing, and laughs to keep from crying — so you go to bars or clubs hoping to find someone with standards low enough that they are willing to spend the night swapping STDs with you.

But you’re shy about asserting confidently the high standards you hold about your masochistic self-destruction.

TV told you that everyone has most diseases, so you know that there is no sense in worrying about any but the most major diseases. Yet so many questions still remain.

However, you know that to be anything like the fun, lovable characters on TV, you must confess that truth is relative, that life is disappointing, and that the only way to be happy is through gossip, alcohol, and casual sex.

But self-destructive escapism is less fun nowadays: Less fun for women because every man is probably a rapist (except for the cute guy at the office whom you wish would rape you!); and less fun for men, because TV has trained so many women among the new generation of club-bitches & bar-whores — that falsely accusing men of rape is a fun, easy, safe way to win the attention and pity to which the women are entitled and addicted.

So obviously no one wants to be raped by a homicidal maniac, and no one wants to be falsely accused of rape by a suicidal maniac.

But there is even more: modern self-destruction requires careful management of your STDs and reputation: Some people have super-AIDS — and other people even judge! It’s like freedom from speech is not sacred anymore!

All these worries almost make failing at life seem less glamorous and empowering than television has obviously proved failure to be. But TV has never steered us wrong before, so we should continue obeying and advocating TV’s perspective.

And after all: Science has proven that God is a myth, that nothing is right or wrong, that having the wrong opinions is wrong, and that there is nothing at all “unnatural” or “unhealthy” about being frantically unnatural and unhealthy! Amen.

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