Once upon a time, a man had a simple dream: He wanted to rape children–all day and all night.
The man dreamed of giving children The Bill Clinton Treatment: Beating, biting, and raping them–then having his wife belittle, badger, and beleaguer them when they sought justice.
The would-be rapist, though horribly heterosexual, wanted to follow in the fabulous footsteps of the countless heroic homosexuals who have raped children to death.
The man often fantasized about raping children while masturbating in his favorite way: Wrapping a Planned-Parenthood-Purchased fetus around his penis, and screaming, “I hate God! I hate Jesus! Nigger! Nigger! Nigger!”
The man was a heterosexual white republican child-rapist.
The heterosexual white republican child-rapist made a plan. He called up another of his kind, and proposed it: “We need to get married!,” he exclaimed to the other evil person. And the reply came as he’d predicted: “What in the HELL are you talking about!? You know that the only thing we hate more than women and niggers is fags!”
Unshaken, he proposed his plan further: “Listen! Of course I know we hate women, niggers and fags–we’re white republicans! But what if I told you that we could be the caricature that insane leftists pretend, while also getting married and pretending to be gay.”
“Well, I’d say you were crazy…but you got my attention. So why the hell would we want to be in a same-sex marriage!?”
“One word: In order to rape children as often as we want, whenever we want.”
“Well that was WAY more than one word…but the kid-seeking boner your words just caused me couldn’t care less how many words it was!…but still: What does any of that have to do with getting married and pretending to be queer?”
“Two words: Gay adoption.”
“Oh.My.White.Republican.GOD! Say no more!”
Without delay, the two heterosexual white republican child-rapists rushed to the nearest drive-thru marriage chapel, solemnly vowed–’til death do they part–to use each other’s rectum as a progressive womb. The heterosexual white republican child-rapist was one step closer–and only one step away–from realizing his dream of raping children whenever he wanted.
The next day, with their gay-love legal documentation in hand, the two under-cover heterosexual white republican child-rapists faced their last gauntlet: The adoption agency.
“This will never work!,” said the enlistee to the leader: “They’ll find us out! One of them will be gay and ask us why they’ve never seen us at a pro-child-murder rally! They’ll ask us why we don’t have ‘Always Vote Democrat’ tattooed across our foreheads. Or worse: One of them might have GAYDAR!”
Hearing those last words, the leader froze in mid-step. Fear washed over his face, his voice shaking: “Oh my white, nigger-hating God! I hadn’t thought of that!”
Indeed, the heterosexual white republican child-rapist failed to consider gaydar, since the only other obstacle they had faced, at the drive-thru chapel, had been a stupid white cisgender christian man. Sure the man had been a hypocrite–conducting the gay 10-minute ceremony only grudgingly for the two pretend homosexuals, saying that while he hated fags (and women and niggers), he was too greedy to turn down money for officiating the gay marriage of two gay lovers who felt uncontrollable gay love for each other. The man had been a hypocrite, but he obviously didn’t have gaydar.
The two heterosexual white republican child-rapists stepped into the adoption agency. Children played throughout the building. At the sight of so many beautiful, innocent, rapeable children–both heterosexual white republican child-rapists nearly passed out, when all the blood in their body rushed right into their heterosexual, republican erections. They approached one of the workers.
“Hi…uh…we’ve…me and my gay husband, I mean…we’ve entered into a legal contract, pledging to use each other’s rectum as a progressive womb,” the leader began…”THAT’S RIGHT!,” his accomplice interrupted–“We suck dick!” He winced. “And we signed one of those fag marriage papers–and that means we get to take home one of these tight, fuckable kids!”
Both heterosexual white republican child-rapists froze, waiting for what, in their heterosexual white republican child-rapist minds, was an eternity. “Hmmm…,” the worker looked them up and down. “Ok, I’ll get you two trustworthy, heroic homosexuals a child-menu,” the worker said.
Ecstatic, one heterosexual white republican child-rapist spun around to the other, relieved that the racist, sexist, homophobic God of heterosexual white republican child-rapists had answered their hateful prayers.
Soon they would both be balls-deep in a crying, dying child: They had agreed that one of them would build himself to orgasm with the small body of their adopted child, then–right at climax–cut the child’s throat, so that the torn hole would reflexivity tighten onto the heterosexual white republican child-rapist–and the heterosexual white republican child-rapist could stare lustfully and hatefully at the dying child’s face, as the baby’s eyes lost their life. They would then sell the carcass to Planned Parenthood’s fetus-junkyard, and return to the agency to take another child for the other heterosexual white republican child-rapist to defile likewise.
Celebrating the glorious news, the two heterosexual white republican child-rapists’ child-begging boners felt like they might explode.
But only their hopes exploded–and their celebration was short-lived: When the first heterosexual white republican child-rapist had turned to the second–he had exposed the non-meticulous hairline on his neck.
“OH MY POT-SMOKING, ABORTION-ADVOCATING, GAY-FRIENDLY GOD!,” the worker shrieked, drawing everyone’s attention: “You two are NOT trustworthy, heroic homosexuals respectably seeking to supplement your death-march of a life by vainly latching onto children whose normal (id est heterosexual) parents’ dutiful heterosexuality prevented them from accruing as many resources as would a lifeless, hopeless homosexual workaholic: You’re just a pair of heterosexual white republican child-rapists with a plot to blend in with all these healthy, normal, suicidal homosexuals who vainly hope to reclaim the sense-of-self they forever lost when they began indulging in homosexuality to mask their inability to delay gratification enough to be rewarded a member of the opposite sex by society. Get out of here, you sick cis psychopaths!”
Gaydar had saved the day–in a world where the vast majority of child-rapists are homosexual men, even as countless, mindless pawns fail to realize the insanity of their credulous reverence towards ‘gay’ men who have done nothing, in essence, other than make a claim that any heterosexual white republican child-rapist could easily make.